EWWWWWWWW

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray in the June Vanity Fair!
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...she is 15!!!!!!!!!
EWWWWWWWW!!!!! Barf Barf barf!!!!

"Softball"

Okay so last year I joined Mike to play for a low level softball team that the nicest woman in the world, Jane, heads up. Literally the NICEST person on the planet, and she works with some awful bitches so it amazes me that she is still so nice.

So anywho, we played last year and I never made contact with the ball, catching it or hitting it, I think I got hit by it. I have the hand-eye coordination of a blind rabbit on roller skates. So this year I kinda showed no interest what-so-ever in playing but there was a scrimmage/pick up game yesterday so I went with Mike. So not thrilled about it, I am not good at softball and I don't like being not good at something when I try hard at it. This is what happened the last time I tried to take Spanish, my neural pathways are already fused and my brain does not get it.

So they put me at second base because I can't throw the ball farther then 6 feet. Mike was at first because in the first 3 seconds of the game, a practice game, he strained his hamstring. So our romantic banter went something like this:

Mike: "You have to cover 2nd base"

Me: "I AM!"

Mike: "Move forward"

I move up about a foot.

Mike: "Move forward"

Me: "I DID!"

We had to end our practice session early because Mike couldn't walk but one more pitch before we finished I get a ball straight to my shin hit by a kid that I swear plays for the Houston Astros.

We went to the bar around the corner, but we had to walk and I left my ID in the car and this is the one time I get carded. Nothing says fun like a bruised shin and watching the Red Sox in a bar drinking water. I told Mike I don't want to play softball anymore because it makes me want to punch him in the face.

Friggin commuter rail

So the commuter rail was awful today, I actually stood, yes stood, on the train next to some guy who writes about how crappy the commuter rail is sometimes. But at least he doesn't just bitch, he actually gets in touch with people who supposedly could do something but don't because they suck. Man standing next to me pointed out something that I forget sometimes, in the 2 cars we were standing between (yea in the vestibule where no one is supposed to stand) about 70 people were standing in the aisles and 14 people around where we were standing in between the trains so if all of a sudden we crashed or stopped short all of us would have gone flying! And it happens; I think it was 3 weeks ago a commuter rail was hit my a run-away car from a lumber yard. The conductor of that train lost several teeth and broke a few ribs, but if we had crashed today all 14 of us in between the trains would have been thrown out. Have you ever seen a body ejected from a car going a slow speed, it ain't pretty, and that's only a car.

I think I will start e-mailing the MBTA daily to remind them of this crap, I doubt they even take the commuter rail that much if even ever. I wonder what has to happen for there to be a change, like say use the double decker coaches at rush hour, a large group of people dying? How loverly.

Feel free to comment yourself: https://www.mbta.com/customer_support/write_to_top/#Rail

Patriot's Day

I love how if you work in downtown Boston on marathon Monday, you get the day off. Rock on! I will never (I don't think anyway) ever run the Boston marathon, maybe I will walk it, but I don't think I will ever have it in me to run for 8 hours straight! WTF! Dude, I understand that you are an athlete and all that crap but running for 8 hours straight makes you, in my mind, some kind of terminator. However, the people that are still running now and everyone who cheers for them make me cry, same with the Dad who pushes his son every year, it's their 26th Boston marathon this year. (tearing up now)

So on my day off I was bad ass, I went to the park with the twins and then went with Mike's sister to get their hair cut (traumatizing for Owen), then I got my car washed, THEN I went food shopping, THEN I did laundry, THEN I painted the bathroom ceiling. Eggshell otherwise known as white. And I just finished cooking dinner. And I also discovered that my new glade candle in white linen smells exactly like a box of tampons. Awesome.

Jade

Oh my dog, so my cousin Jade is 14, she turned 14 yesterday. I can't believe she is a teenager, I literally remember that day she was born and what I was doing when Uncle Patrick told me. (I was taking clothes of the line outside and the next day I was going to Cape Cod with my Grandma and my friend Kira). She is entering high school in September and I was trying to give her advice a bout high school when I was in Pittsfield last weekend; mainly to ignore what other people think and just do you what you want. I forgot to tell her to make friends with the gay boy because he is going to a faboo bestie later on in life. I kick myself everyday that I didn't, I was a cheerleader but not popular and chubby. Nothing says hot like a fat cheerleader! I sooooo could have used a gay at that time, shit I ask for a gay boyfriend EVERY holiday and birthday now and I have yet to get one. I actually put out an ad on Craig's list for one a few years ago but all I got back was some guy who wanted to talk about bleaching a specific sensitive "area".

Whatevs, Jade is going to thrive in high school, she already has like 8 best friends, she is beautiful with really long hair, and a ballerina! And she already has style! And unlike me, will not have a weight problem. And I am guessing she will have a bf like Zac Efron.

WTF Yankees!

So I'm sure anyone who pays attention to Boston or New York news heard this story but I shall sum it up: a construction worker working on the new Yankee stadium buried a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey under the visiting team's clubhouse and cursed the Yankees not to win a world series for the next 30 years. So the construction worker man couldn't keep his mouth shut and told a whole bunch of people that he buried the jersey. So someone told someone who told someone and it got up to the Yankee "brass", so they held a press conference to address "the situation". Their statement made reference to the construction workers who let the Yankees know what had happened as "heroic" and they then dug up the jersey and will send it back to Boston to auction off for charity.

Okay here is my issue (s), ummm Yankee "brass" you guys are ridiculous! You spent $50,000 to dig up a piece of cloth to what? Teach us a lesson? Well you taught me that you are RETARDED and waste everyone's times perpetuating a feud between 2 teams that would have gone on fine without your help, but now you are adding fuel to an already huge fire. Acts like this are what causes Boston fans to light stuff on fire when the Red Sox are in the playoffs.

And how nice that you are sending the jersey back to Boston to raise money for charity, but do you really think it will make $50,000? Because you wasted all that money to dig up the jersey, maybe you could have donated that to charity! Buttheads!

Maybe Steinbrener (father and son) should lay off the wacky tabacky!

I crack myself up but probably offend others

So...I went out for a girls afternoon to see "Run Fatboy, Run", hysterical and I heart Simon Pegg and then we went out for an early dinner/late lunch. As we were saying our good-byes, I was hugging Erin and one of those damn duck tours went driving by. I began humping Erin's leg yelling "It's for the tourists, the tourists."

Erin: "Whatever, you look like a tool and I look desirable"

This morning...

So I have this thing about cars and radios, well it's not a thing but I don't know what to call it, so I had to give Mike a ride to his car this morning from our condo because he left his car at his brother's house yesterday. He went to opening day at Fenway and was otherwise indisposed and couldn't drive his vehicle last night for he would have driven it into something stationary (tree, wall, building, etc. not a box of pretty note cards). So this was our car ride:

(get in car, ice-y stuff on jetta's windows, isn't it APRIL!?)

Mike gets in and immediately changes it to AM sports radio

Me: MY CAR! We will listen to the happy music! (I change it to Kiss 108)

Mike sighs heavily

Drive Drive Drive

Mike: I can't believe you didn't set the coffee last night, and you wouldn't make it this morning. (he then does his impression of me where I sound like something that lives under a bridge and eats babies)

-Timbaland song comes on...the Too Late to Apologize song that I heart big hearts

Me: Ooooo, I love this song.

Mike sighs in disgust yet again: I can't believe you even like this song.

I change it to Opie and Anthony to appease him and he tries to change it back because "You like this song."

Me: MY CAR! (and I slap his hand away)

Yea morning.

Dude

I was going to rant about backpacks today (you actually add 2 feet onto your back and it's like you have a turtle shell so no you can't fit in the aisle of the bus because you will wack someone in the face every time you move) oh and the ones with the wheels and the long handles, okay those are really stupid looking. This ain't the airport, you can pick it up and carry it on your back, just as long as you observe the "turtle shell" rule.

I must also mention that I was in Au Bon Pain for a total of like 4 minutes and there were 3 instances of people assuming someone else would take care of something that they themselves could have easily taken care of:

1. woman picking up cream container, shaking it, realizing it was empty and putting it back down-IT DOESN'T GET MAGICALLY FILLED UNLESS YOU LET SOMEONE KNOW! (I brought it up to the counter so an employee of Au Bon Pain could fill it up)


2. woman who spilled coffee all over counter of register and then just looked at the guy and said "I spilled coffee" and walked away. The guy at the register had a line of 5 people and the managers are like the SS guys and "YOU CAN'T MOVE AWAY FROM REGISTER WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE IN LINE! HIEL!" (I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up while I was in line)


3. Chair not pushed in at one of the tables in the back, this offending piece of yellow wood was right in the path of everyone walking to the exit. (I pushed it in)

On a better note, I think Mike and I were winning the death pool we are in because I am pretty sure I have Charlton Heston on it and I know I have Prince Phillip from England on it and he's in the hospital! And my hair is like wicked soft today, I keep touching it, it smells pretty.

I went looking for a picture of myself "graduating" from the D.A.R.E. program when I was kid; my cousin Brooke is "graduating" from this program next week and I wanted to show her. I didn't find that picture but I found a whole bunch of other ones that are worth sharing:

I brought sexy back waaaaaaay before Justin Timberlake.

That's me on the left, I swear I wasn't a lazy firefighter; it was a practice burn.

My aunt Biddy and my mother did my hair like that ON PURPOSE! Dude, of course I wasn't going to have any boyfriends in high school, look at me! Blue velvet and frizzy hair!

This is pretty much what family functions are like.